I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
