Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
