dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
