Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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