I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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