Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
