It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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