I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
