1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
