Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
