Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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