I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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