So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
