God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
