So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
