I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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