how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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