hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
