I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
