God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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