I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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