evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
