I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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