my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
