This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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