I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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