i just had sex bonerless
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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