so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
