my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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