i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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