i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
