One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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