five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
