I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I have feelings that need drinking.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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