This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
