New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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