I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
