I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
