my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
