I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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