After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
