I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
