So drunk, too bad you don't want this
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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