No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
