3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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