i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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