You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Im part way to drunk.
Randomize
