I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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