i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
