Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
