I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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